I’m so thankful and happy, midterm exams are finally over, but
should i be happy with the future results? Well anyway, that is not the reason
why I opened blogger, what I wanted to post here is something that I don’t
usually post. I guess this would be lengthy post of my feelings, emotions, rants,
hatred and whatever things that would pop out from my mind, and you will never
understand this post, I tell you. I’m writing it now online for the following
reasons:
- I’ve been carrying this burden/emotions/feelings for more than 6 months.
- I have no one to share this with, even my close friends or sisters, I’m not brave enough to tell them, I’m shy and it’s awkward and too corny.
- If ever I will die within 24 hours, at least there’s someone who will tell what I feel for the past months and as of now.
- It’s february, the LOVE month, so at least I have one good reason to be somehow corny.
To the someone whom i’m referring to in this post: i know
you will never read this, you will never know my confessions, it’s okay. Let me
start,
We broke up 9 months ago, I tried to move one when I was
staying in Vegas, I diverted my attention in babysitting my niece and nephew. I
went home last June, I know, what I did abroad never helped me. You started a
facebook conversation, I told you I have not moved on and that I still love
you. You never replied “i love you too”. I really cried that night and i told
myself to move one. i was so lucky enough that my first semester for my 4th
yr in college was jam packed, thesis, thesis, thesis and duty. These kept me
busy for a long time, it somehow helped me to forget you and move on. But actually
there are times, whenever i feel so bitter with my friends’ partners or
whenever i am alone, or whenever i’m bored because no one texts me, i thought
of you all the time. Thinking that, you were still with me, and i was thinking
too those happy moments we had and the text messages i sent you whenever i’m
bored and alone. Before 2012 ended, we talked, there was reconciliation and a
formal closure. After it, I realized I never moved on, I was still the same, so
in love with you, and i don’t know why. January 2013, our retreat, you sent me a
letter through a friend, i cried buckets, i regretted, i wished i have listened
to you first, just pure regrets. After a
week, we saw each other again, we dated, we did what we did when we were still
in the formal relationship. But we went out as “friends”, you said we can be
best friends, but no, i don’t want a best friend, what i wanted was to stay
just like that, just friends, no commitments feelings attached but still
called friends. But i never told you what i wanted. You told me too, that we
feel exactly the same, nakamove on na ako, ok na wala ka, pero takot akong
mapunta ka sa iba, i’m sorry, i lied in the “move on” part, as what i have
said, i never moved on, i tried to, but shitness happens, i still can’t. And yes!
I am too scared that you will fall for other girls out there. Maybe i just can’t
accept the fact that we were not meant to be, and of course, i can’t accept the
fact that you never loved me as i do to you. Sometimes, there’s a part of me
who says you’re not worthy of my love, i deserve someone better. One who will
fight for me and one who will never entertain/flirt other girls in facebook,
chat, twitter or text and one who is never “too friendly” to girls. It seems
that my previous phrases define me as a jealous woman and an insecure girlfriend,
well you’re right. I get jealous all the time, that’s why we broke up (one of
the reasons), i can’t stand myself from jealousy and you were too flirt. As of
the moment, it’s been 2 weeks since your last text message, i know you’re
trying to keep distance away from me, but whatever, you’re still enjoying
flirting to other girls, yes i’m jealous
again and this should not be. I hope my busyness in school will help me to
forget you and will help me to move on totally, and at the same time, i should
focus more in my candidacy for honors and graduation is next. Reviews and
modular exams for board exam are forces to help me totally get over you. I WILL
TAKE THE JUNE 2013 PHARMACY BOARD EXAM. I WILL PASS THE JUNE 2013 PHARMACY
BOARD EXAM AND I WILL TOP THE JUNE 2013 PHARMACY BOARD EXAM. And time will come
we will be over, i will find a man for forever and it’s not you anymore. But before
i end this post, what i really wanted to say is, i still love you and i miss
you. Au revoir! this is really awkward and corny.
